Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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