She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
