i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
