do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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