TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
