there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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