i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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