So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
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She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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