Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think your dad took our porno
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
