haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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