i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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