Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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