Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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