today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
