They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
