so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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