by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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