I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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