I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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