There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
