bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
