If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
