you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
