if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
