i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
