I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
And then he peed in my hair
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