I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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