I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
