so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
