I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
