So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
