Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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