He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
