He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
