My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
