Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The Olympian is in my bed
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