My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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