i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Someone came in the potted fern
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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