I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I want is dick and wine.
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