This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
