glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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