I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
