I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
