My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
