EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
