Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
