just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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