Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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