just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
