How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
