The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
they're like a gay fantastic four
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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