is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
