WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize