True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think we might need a safe word for this...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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