what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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