Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
