tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
