Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
