tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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