I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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