I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
