if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
