so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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